9 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship (And How To Cope)

Clinically reviewed by Dr. Fatima Khan, M.D.

We all seek meaningful relationships that uplift and inspire us. However, sometimes we find ourselves trapped in toxic relationships that drain our energy and happiness.

Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is crucial to protecting our well-being.

Here, we explore nine signs that your relationship might be toxic. By identifying and addressing these toxic traits, you can take control and make better choices for a brighter, healthier future.

Let’s dive in and empower ourselves to understand and overcome the challenges of toxic relationships.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1. They Undermine Your Dreams

A partner should be your biggest cheerleader. But if your dreams and goals are constantly belittled or dismissed, it’s a red flag. This can be subtle, like making jokes about your ambitions or suggesting your goals are unrealistic.

When someone repeatedly tells you that your dreams are too big or not worth pursuing, they are not supporting you. Instead, they are planting seeds of doubt. Over time, you might start believing them and give up on what truly makes you happy. This undermining behavior can be especially damaging because it’s often disguised as concern or practicality. A supportive partner should encourage your growth and aspirations, not stifle them.

Ask yourself: Does your partner support and encourage your dreams, or do they subtly undermine them?

2. You Feel Guilty for Having Fun Without Them

Everyone needs time apart to pursue their own interests and hobbies. But if your partner makes you feel guilty for enjoying yourself without them, that’s a problem. This might look like them pouting or getting angry when you spend time with friends or engage in solo activities. This guilt-tripping can make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by wanting personal time.

A healthy relationship respects individuality and the need for personal space. If your partner constantly needs to be the center of your world and reacts negatively when you step away, it’s a sign of insecurity and control. Feeling guilty for having fun alone is not a healthy dynamic.

Ask yourself: Do you feel guilty or anxious about having fun without your partner?

3. They Make Jokes at Your Expense

Humor is great in a relationship, but not when it’s used to make you feel small. If your partner often makes jokes at your expense and then says, “It’s just a joke, don’t be so sensitive,” it’s a sign of disrespect. These jokes might seem harmless at first, but over time, they can erode your self-esteem and make you feel less valued.

It’s important to differentiate between playful teasing and hurtful comments disguised as humor. A loving partner should uplift you with their words, not use them as a tool to undermine your confidence. Repeatedly making you the butt of their jokes shows a lack of empathy and consideration for your feelings.

Ask yourself: Are the jokes your partner makes about you hurtful, even if they claim they’re just kidding?

4. They Keep Score

In a healthy relationship, people don’t keep score of who did what. But a toxic partner might constantly remind you of all the things they’ve done for you or the mistakes you’ve made. This creates a power imbalance and makes you feel indebted.

Keeping score is a way to maintain control and leverage in the relationship. Instead of fostering a spirit of mutual support and understanding, it breeds resentment and competition. When every action is measured and recorded, it’s hard to feel like equals. A relationship should be about partnership and collaboration, not about tallying favors and faults.

Ask yourself: Does your partner frequently bring up past favors or mistakes to use against you?

5. You Feel Like You’re Competing

A little friendly competition can be fun, but in a toxic relationship, you might feel like you’re always in competition with your partner. This can be for attention, success, or even affection. It’s draining and prevents you from truly supporting each other. Instead of celebrating each other’s achievements, there’s a sense of rivalry and jealousy. This dynamic undermines trust and cooperation, making it difficult to feel genuinely happy for each other’s successes.

A relationship should be a safe space where both partners can thrive together, not a battleground where one feels the need to outperform the other to gain approval or affection.

Ask yourself: Do you feel like you’re constantly competing with your partner instead of working together?

6. They Gaslight You

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone makes you doubt your reality or sanity. This can be very subtle, like insisting something didn’t happen when you know it did, or saying you’re too sensitive when you express feelings.

Over time, gaslighting can erode your confidence in your own perceptions and judgments, making you increasingly reliant on your partner for validation. This manipulation tactic is designed to control and disempower you by making you question your own mind. It’s a deeply insidious form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and self-esteem.

Ask yourself: Do you often find yourself doubting your memories or feeling confused after conversations with your partner?

7. They’re Passive-Aggressive

Passive-aggressive behavior can be hard to spot because it’s indirect. This might include the silent treatment, making snide comments, or being sarcastic. It’s a way of expressing anger without addressing it openly, which creates tension and confusion. Instead of communicating their feelings directly, a passive-aggressive partner will act out in subtle ways, leaving you to guess what’s wrong. This behavior can be incredibly frustrating and emotionally draining, as it prevents honest and open communication. Healthy relationships require direct and respectful dialogue, not games of emotional cat and mouse.

Ask yourself: Does your partner often use sarcasm, give you the silent treatment, or make indirect comments instead of communicating openly?

8. You Feel Isolated in a Crowd

Even when you’re with your partner and other people, you might feel alone. This happens when your partner dominates conversations, dismisses your input, or makes you feel invisible. It’s a subtle way of controlling the social dynamic and ensuring that you don’t feel valued or acknowledged. Feeling isolated in a crowd can be deeply disheartening and can erode your sense of self-worth.

A healthy relationship should make you feel seen and heard, both in private and in public. If you consistently feel overlooked or marginalized when you’re with your partner, it’s a sign that something is wrong.

Ask yourself: Do you feel isolated or ignored even when you’re in a group setting with your partner?

9. They Weaponize Your Insecurities

We all have insecurities, and a loving partner should help us overcome them, not use them against us. If your partner brings up your insecurities during arguments or conflicts, it’s a way to hurt and control you. By exploiting your vulnerabilities, they gain the upper hand in conflicts, making you feel weak and defenseless. This behavior is not only cruel but also deeply manipulative.

A supportive partner should work to build your confidence, not tear it down. When insecurities are used as weapons, it’s a clear indication of emotional abuse and a toxic dynamic.

Ask yourself: Does your partner use your insecurities against you during disagreements?

Types Of Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships can take many forms. They can be between friends, family members, or romantic partners. Each type has its unique traits, but all share the common factor of being harmful to your mental and emotional health.

Romantic Relationships

These are often the most intense and emotionally charged. In a toxic romantic relationship, one or both partners might feel constantly criticized, belittled, or controlled. There’s often a lack of trust and respect, leading to frequent arguments and unhappiness.

A toxic romantic partner might also exhibit possessiveness, jealousy, and manipulative behaviors, making it hard for the other person to feel valued and loved.

Friendships

Toxic friendships are just as damaging. A toxic friend might be overly critical, unsupportive, or manipulative. They might use you for their own gain, ignore your needs, and make you feel bad about yourself.

True friends should lift you up, not drag you down. In a toxic friendship, you might find that you are always the one giving, while the other person is always taking.

Family Relationships

Family is supposed to be a source of love and support, but sometimes, family relationships can be toxic. This could be due to constant criticism, lack of boundaries, or unhealthy control.

A toxic family member might make you feel guilty, unworthy, or ashamed. It’s particularly challenging to address toxic behaviors within the family because of the deep bonds and obligations that exist, but it’s essential for your mental health.

Coping With Toxic Relationships

Dealing with toxic relationships can be incredibly challenging. It requires courage and a clear understanding of what you deserve in your relationships. Here are some strategies to help you cope:

1. Set Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is crucial. Let the other person know what behaviors are unacceptable and stick to these limits. Boundaries protect your mental and emotional well-being and help you maintain a sense of control.
2. Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a counselor about your situation. Sharing your feelings can provide relief and perspective. Support from others can also give you the strength to take necessary actions.
3. Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your well-being by engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Exercise, hobbies, and mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded and reduce stress caused by toxic relationships.
4. Limit Interaction: If possible, reduce the amount of time you spend with the toxic person. This can help minimize their negative impact on your life. If the relationship is unavoidable, such as with a family member, try to keep interactions brief and to the point.
5. Stay Assertive: Maintain your stance and do not let the toxic person manipulate or control you. Being assertive means expressing your needs and rights clearly and confidently. It’s not about being aggressive but about standing up for yourself.

How To End Toxic Relationships

Ending a toxic relationship is often necessary for your mental and emotional health. Here’s how you can approach this difficult process:

First, acknowledge the problem. Recognize and accept that the relationship is toxic. This is the first and most important step. Denial can keep you trapped in a harmful situation, so it’s crucial to be honest with yourself about the nature of the relationship. Admitting the truth, though painful, sets the stage for change.

Next, plan your exit. Think about how you want to end the relationship. This might involve having a conversation, writing a letter, or gradually distancing yourself. Having a clear plan can make the process less overwhelming. Consider the best approach for your situation and prepare yourself for the conversation or actions you need to take.

Seek support from friends, family, or a counselor. They can provide guidance and encouragement as you navigate this challenging time. It’s important to have a support system in place to help you stay strong. Talking to someone you trust can provide a different perspective and the emotional backing you need to move forward.

Once you’ve decided to end the relationship, stay firm. The toxic person might try to convince you to stay, but remember why you made this choice. Keep reminding yourself of the reasons why ending the relationship is necessary for your well-being. It can be easy to doubt yourself, especially if the other person pleads or makes promises to change, but standing your ground is essential for your mental health.

Finally, focus on healing. After ending the relationship, take time to heal and reflect. Engage in activities that promote your well-being and help you rediscover your sense of self. Healing is a process, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you move forward. Spend time doing things you love, reconnect with supportive friends, and give yourself grace during this period of recovery.

Toxic Relationships FAQs

How do I know if I’m toxic?

Self-awareness is key. Reflect on your behaviors and how they affect others. Do you often criticize, control, or manipulate those around you? Are your actions causing stress or unhappiness to others? Seeking feedback from trusted friends or a counselor can also provide insight. It’s important to be open to recognizing your faults and working towards positive change.

Is there love in a toxic relationship?

Love can exist in a toxic relationship, but it is often overshadowed by negative behaviors. Genuine love should make you feel valued and supported, not hurt or controlled. In a toxic relationship, love is frequently mixed with manipulation, jealousy, and resentment. While the feelings of love might be present, they are often expressed in unhealthy ways that do more harm than good.

Can you fix toxic relationships?

It is possible to improve a toxic relationship, but it requires both parties to recognize the problem and commit to change. This often involves open communication, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help. However, not all toxic relationships can be fixed. Sometimes, the best option is to walk away for your own well-being. If the toxic behaviors continue despite efforts to improve the relationship, it might be best to end it.